Dare to Lead · Aperio book club
2013 was the most difficult year of my life. I experienced loss and disappointment so profound, I thought it would define me forever. For months, I lived in numb survival mode.
One day, wandering through a bookstore, a cover caught my eye. It said: “Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are.”
That was my introduction to Dr. Brené Brown. Today, Brené hardly needs introduction. Since I encountered The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené’s work has caught the attention of readers and TED Talk watchers everywhere. Her research has reframed how we think and talk about ourselves, our stories, our relationships, and our potential. And many people, like me, have experienced the transformational power of vulnerability—and can personally attest to Brené’s observation that “owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we’ll ever do.”
Brené’s latest book Dare to Lead brings the conversation into the workplace and specifically into leadership. Our January Aperio book club dug into the themes of the book and how they apply to daily life in nonprofits.
What does vulnerability have to do with fundraising? It turns out, a lot!
How we show up at work
Our book club conversation started with a discussion of vulnerability itself. Many attendees shared that they had grown up to think of vulnerability as weakness—and something to avoid at all costs.
Today, we have a different definition. Brené defines vulnerability as “the emotion that we experience during times of uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.” In this definition, vulnerability is about openness to uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure—which is the path to courage, trust, innovation, and so many other things we strive for.
One attendee shared, “I think it’s the ability to really open yourself up to the possibility of disappointment or being harmed…. You don’t want that to happen, but if you’re really vulnerable, you have to open yourself up to that possibility.” Another added: “For me now, it’s being okay that I don’t have a solution to the problem.”
We discussed that part of living these definitions means developing a new relationship with feedback. A fundraiser said, “You can tell me 99 wonderful things and one criticism, and all I remember is the criticism”…and the whole group nodded in enthusiastic agreement. We talked about how as we grow up, we associate feedback with a grade—and always something negative. Feedback means we made a mistake or performed below expectations.
As adults, the group shared, we want to think of it as more opportunities to grow and learn and approve. And more importantly, we don’t want it to affect our sense of self-worth and belonging. “So much of our lives,” a fundraiser observed, “centers on how we perform…vulnerability is being true to who you are and being real, even when you’re not accepted and celebrated.”
How we build relationships with donors
The book club agreed that fundraising itself involves a lot of vulnerability.
First, there’s the work itself. We’re exposed all the time—to being told no, to not being told anything at all, to not hitting our numbers, and the list goes on. Fundraisers tend to be mission-driven high performers and face enormous anxiety with progress toward goals restarting at zero once a year. Vulnerability is inherent to what we do every day.
Second, vulnerability is the key to connection with donors. “Fundraising,” a fundraiser summarized, “is all about the relationship…understanding that the way people are wired, the way people interpret things.”
Major gift work is a daily reminder that what we see in the people around us is just the tip of the iceberg. “That’s the challenge of major donor work in particular,” a fundraiser shared. “You have to get a deep understanding of a person…you need to really get at what drives them, what’s under the surface and not just what’s above.”
Another added: “What Brené said about perception was so valuable. I look at things with a very specific lens. Somebody else is looking at the event through their lens, and that is their truth, whether I understand it or not.”
How we build with colleagues—in other departments
Those same principles hold when it comes to relationships with colleagues. Fundraising is a team sport—that often encounters the challenge that not everyone in an organization has the time or experience to understand what the sport is, nevermind realize they’re on the team.
The book club discussed the value of Brené’s concept of a ‘rumble’—or, having a real conversation, even if it’s tough.” In her words, this kind of discussion, conversation, or meeting is defined by a commitment to:
Lean into vulnerability
Stay curious and generous
Stick with the messy middle of problem identification and solving
Take a break and circle back when necessary
Be fearless in owning our own parts
Listen with the same passion with which we want to be heard
A fundraiser shared: “In my experience, in nonprofit organizations, because there aren’t huge salaries and people are stretched so think, the truth is more important. Communication between different groups and departments isn’t always there. Some of Brené’s approaches to bringing the truth to the table —and agreeing not to be enemies at the end of it—could be really useful.” At the end of the day, we’re all in this together. “If the organization doesn’t succeed, each individual department isn’t succeeding either.”
Several attendees shared how they had become more intentional about ‘showing up’ in hard conversations with colleagues. “Early on in my career, it felt very scary to say I disagree or there’s another way. As I’ve matured in my career, being vulnerable has encompassed the idea of saying it’s part of relationships and working as a team to give your feedback—in a way that is kind and productive. I’ve learned to be willing to engage with ideas and people with the end goal of raising more money or whatever we’re working toward. There’s a lot of vulnerability in putting yourself out there.”
How we lead
We wrapped up with a conversation about the main topic of the book: What does all this have to do with leadership?
The group shared what they’ve appreciated in leaders:
“I feel like I can go to her with anything and be honest with her. She knows me as a person.”
“When I meet with them, they ask about what we talked about last time and it makes me feel special.”
“My boss recognizes us as people first.”
“He gives us the space to do our job, and he gives us the space to be people and have emotions.”
“When I have a rough day, he says, ‘take a day’.”
“The bosses I have trusted are the ones who have valued me outside of my production ability. The ones I have hated are the ones who saw me as the means to a promotion.”
“The words and the actions match…I can tell when they don’t.”
“The ones who don’t publicly shame you for a mistake—who say, if there’s a problem, come to me, and we’ll fix it together.”
The pandemic, the group discussed, has brought out a new side of leaders. In a way, it’s forced us all to become more vulnerable. Interpersonally, we are literally seeing into each other’s homes every day. Our personal and work selves can’t be as separate as they used to be, with pets and children peak in on calls and we navigated serious challenges together.
“The pandemic,” one fundraiser observed, “has seen leaders have to step out of their comfort zone and show that they trust staff.” Leaders who used to worry about how virtual work would affect performance have been pleasantly surprised by how well things are going. Everyone’s just fine, they’re doing their job, numbers are up, donors are happy…and when a leader points that out, it feels great.
“Everyone feels like we’ve accomplished something like a team.”
At the same time, having all meetings virtually has made it more difficult to ‘rumble’. “We’re missing that closeness of being in the same room,” a leader shared. “I’ve struggled with navigating when you have to manage those serious discussions. It’s harder.”
We also know, it’s more important than ever.
In a year when so many organizations, teams, and people are rethinking who they are and who they want to be, we need leaders who show up. Rebuilding from crisis and addressing systemic challenges will take courage. And, as Brené points out: “You can’t get to courage without rumbling with vulnerability. Embrace the suck.”
