The Likeability Trap · Aperio book club
"While women are working on our style, many of our colleagues are instead working on their hard skills. What would happen if managers redirected all of the time and energy spent mentoring women and instead focus on sponsoring them by putting them on the best projects and the best teams and advocating for promotions? What if women were allowed to lead, exactly as they are? How high could we fly if no one was clipping our wings?"
— Alicia Menendez, The Likeability Trap
“It’s ironic that as a female leader, you’re told to find your voice,” a fundraiser shared during our recent book club, “but the only time you can say what you really feel is out loud to yourself on a Saturday morning getting out of the shower.”
The Likeability Trap teases apart an anchoring question many women face in their careers: “I need people to like me to succeed—the consequences for being unliked are too great—but if I am likable, how do I appear strong, capable, and competent in my own right? And then, when I succeed, why am I suddenly less likable?”
Written from the perspective of a millennial woman, The Likeability Trap argues that women aspiring for professional success—like us—can break the cycles that are demanding that we be likable and holding us back from advancement. The author, Alicia Menendez, does not argue that we should try to make ourselves more likable, but instead offers solutions to break down the bias we have against powerful women (including ourselves).
The ‘success penalty’ conundrum: “I just don’t like her”
Most of our discourse around women and work understandably focuses on the tangible costs of gender bias, like lost wages and missed opportunities. But the cultural bias that women should care what others think of them, and the narrow space they are given to exist as likable persons, much less likable leaders, hits more than just their wallets. The emotional cost is steep."
— Alicia Menendez, The Likeability Trap
Before I even picked up this book, I knew it was going to mention Hillary Clinton and, of course, it did. It made me remember an argument with my aunt in 2016 when I said that Hillary was the most qualified person to ever run for President and she responded: “There’s just something about her that I don’t like.”
This is the essence of the ‘success penalty’: When a woman attains success, she becomes less likable. We’re unaccustomed to seeing women in positions of power.
Unsurprisingly, when we asked our book club members if anyone has been impacted personally by the success penalty, they had much to share:
“I saw it in my prior job with our president. It was internally from the institution, which was disturbing, I think. The idea of her succeeding and taking the fundraising to a new level, as the first woman president, prompted a lot of grinchy comments. It was disheartening…especially because it was really just from people who hardly knew her,” said one attendee.
Another said: “It happened to someone in a previous job who was accomplished. She was in a director role. When the Executive Director role opened up, even though she was the one who was the most qualified, they gave it to a man who was outside the company and didn’t have the same amount of experience. They called her bossy and said she was too loud and had too many opinions.”
Likeability for our personal, professional, and digital selves
One attendee reflected: “For women, when we walk into Starbucks, if you want extra foam in your coffee, you’re going to be really sweet. And then you go to work, and you have to be a different person.”
Another added: “As we begin to initiate conversations in a virtual workspace, I wonder, what does likability means in this 2x4 inch square? I feel we are under even more pressure—and different pressures—to make ourselves instantly likable, while depleted from some of the ways we have learned and relied on.”
Who are you at work versus who you are at home? Are they two different people? What about online?
The pandemic has definitely changed the interactions we have with our colleagues and peers. How well can you really know someone that you only ever see on a tiny screen on your monitor? Can you judge how much you like someone when the space you interact with them in has a time limit on it?
Our conversations reminded us of a truth that always comes forward: “Authentic people are the ones we respond to in this environment.”
The fundraising likeability trap
In fundraising, being likable is all but built into the job description. You must be likable as a frontline fundraiser—people aren’t likely to hand over $100,000 to someone they find off-putting. Beyond that, nonprofits are in the business of ‘doing good,’ and likability is our brand.
It’s no surprise, our group observed, that our field is dominated by women. “Women are really successful in fundraising. Whether we’re in a likability trap or not, we’re being very successful. Something must be working. Women dominate this industry, very strong, bring a lot of positive qualities to it There are some positive things we shouldn’t shed as we are thinking about this trap.”
One challenge is ensuring that the likability that helps us fundraise doesn’t become a hindrance to career advancement. While most frontline fundraisers are women, most fundraising leaders are not—and women who do progress into leadership roles inevitably face the ‘success penalty.’
Another is ensuring that we don't get stuck in the likability trap as a team. Attendees described teams mired in apologizing for asking team members to complete tasks that are in their job descriptions, tip-toeing around sticky issues, and wasting time. “If we all were a little more transparent and upfront,” one attendee said, “I think we’d all be a little happier and more authentic.”
Challenging likeability culture—externally and internally
As we began our conversation, one attendee said: “I really started off not wanting to read this book. I feel like I’ve evolved, and I don’t care whether people like me or not. As I read through the chapters, I realized that I was trying to figure out whether people liked me—whether my boss, my direct reports, or the team below them. It resonated on so many levels. As I’m looking back on past jobs, at different points…the likeability trap is a trap that’s dynamic and it keeps evolving and cycles through your whole career.”
By the end, we could all see the ways we were caught in the trap—today, and in different ways in each of our previous roles. We reflected on where to go from here.
With greater awareness of when we’re aiming for likability to conform to expectations, we can more proactively focus on what we need, personally, to grow and thrive. Our group’s advice?
Be accountable to being your authentic self, rather than trying to be who you think someone else wants me to be.
Push for more subjective, concrete feedback—especially in performance reviews.
Give yourself permission to be who you are. Give yourself permission to say: Here’s what I bring to the table.
Know whose opinion matters. Not everyone is going to like you. Be okay with that. Surround yourself with the people who do.
Above all: When the going gets tough, find ways to remind yourself of your value as a whole person, including outside work. Your professional persona is just one facet of your life, not a measure of your worth.
Ellen Claycomb
Ellen earned an M.P.A in Nonprofit Management and has been fundraising ever since. Prior to joining the Aperio team, she served nonprofits including American Red Cross, True Colors United, and the New York Foundation for the Arts